Why do I hate Dan?

Many of you would like to ~know why I had one of my dim witted [Hameerikan] flunkies try to start a rumor about W4NTI being deceased, the victim of a massive coronary, so I will answer that question as best as I can….Well, you see, it’s because I am jealous of Dan. I (yours truly) was the one and only soldier on 14.275 for lo these past years, and then along comes ‘Rambo Dan’ [he even has a manlier moniker than I], he gets Rambo and I get 'fruitcake', old 'queen', etc. I love to brag about my ~military service, such as it is. So what if I was just a librarian. Yes, yes, we all know that Rambo Dan was a real soldier, in a real army, and fought in a real war, and that he served his country like a real man. I would have done the same but I am Canadian, it’s not my fault that we didn't have a real war going on! I understand full well that Rambo Dan's MANLY service detracts from what I have done. Sure Rambo Dan fought in Vietnam, but did he ever have to check out 500 books in a row for a library of avid readers? No, he did not, but I did, and I am told that I made the best library clerk in the history of the Canadian Forces.

I was also once the most decorated Officer in all of Canada. I remember it like the taste of my mother's breast milk. It was Christmas 1975 and I was adorned with tinsel, ornaments, and colorful lights. My friend Bruce Dickstein and I had imbibed in [perhaps] a bit ~too much Kahlua, and he completely adorned me with lights and the biggest load of... but, I doo digress….

I once helped in the aftermath of a devastating flood. As a freshman and new Cadet, I flooded the bath room when I let loose with a voluminous load of my mother's fruitcake which had been stuck inside my lower bowel for over a week (with all that entrails). I sprang into action with mop and bucket and quickly cleaned up the soiled and flooded area, in spite of a previous injury, a limp wrist!

I was even wounded in my time of service, yes that’s right ~wounded. One of the boys in the General's steno pool threw a pencil -- and it hit me right in the eye! Ouch! That smarts! He later awarded me ~HIS purple hardon. In return he received the highly coveted ‘MUD HELMUT’ For those of you who don’t know, The ‘MUD HELMUT’ is one of the highest honors that can be bestowed upon an RCM officer.

And, let’s not forget that I directed the RCM's annual Christmas production of the Nutcracker Suite, 3 years in a row, to rave reviews I might add! I played the Nutcraker, of course. Not only did I star in the Nutcracker, but I also got to suck a few rather hairy nuts back stage.

I think I've proved my point. I am a real Soldier, just like Mark Morgan, and I don’t care what anyone else says!

Sincerely

Your Queer Hero