Another failure

I have been in a rather depressed and highly suicidal state, such as it may be, and consequentially, attempted to end my own life ~this I did by putting my head inside my oven! After an elapsed time of 45 minutes my head was only starting to feel mildly warm. Evidently this method was not going to work as I had intended, so I reluctantly removed my head from the Hasbro Easy-Bake oven….I instead decided to use it to make some [delicious] penis-shaped-cookies ~which I promptly and gleefully popped into my mouth. Yum!

Later that evening, after putting on my Snoopy pajamas, I noticed that the light bulb in the Easy-Bake oven had seared a [red] dot in the center of my forehead! I now look like a freaking Indian woman, an old, drunk, ugly one at that! How the hell can I walk into the bath house looking like this?

The next morning I headed down to the local bath house. After a few stares and giggles the boys calmed down and we all had a few Zima’s to lighten the mood. It was my turn to man the glory hole, but my good friend lance had a better idea, target practice.

Well, needless to say, a new and rather erotic game was invented that day. The new game ‘Target-Practice’ consisted of me getting on my knees and facing the boys who had formed a rather long line in front of me. One by one the boys took turns shooting their loads at the dot on my forehead. Not only was this great fun, but my complexion has never been better, by far the best facial moisturizer I have ever used.

My attempt at suicide was however a failure, not unlike every other thing I have ever attempted.

Sincerely, your queer hero

Karol

I have a date ~at Dayton

You might be asking yourself why I would go to the Dayton hamfest

Why do I hate Dan?

Many of you would like to ~know why I had one of my dim witted [Hameerikan] flunkies try to start a rumor about W4NTI being deceased, the victim of a massive coronary, so I will answer that question as best as I can….Well, you see, it’s because I am jealous of Dan. I (yours truly) was the one and only soldier on 14.275 for lo these past years, and then along comes ‘Rambo Dan’ [he even has a manlier moniker than I], he gets Rambo and I get 'fruitcake', old 'queen', etc. I love to brag about my ~military service, such as it is. So what if I was just a librarian. Yes, yes, we all know that Rambo Dan was a real soldier, in a real army, and fought in a real war, and that he served his country like a real man. I would have done the same but I am Canadian, it’s not my fault that we didn't have a real war going on! I understand full well that Rambo Dan's MANLY service detracts from what I have done. Sure Rambo Dan fought in Vietnam, but did he ever have to check out 500 books in a row for a library of avid readers? No, he did not, but I did, and I am told that I made the best library clerk in the history of the Canadian Forces.

I was also once the most decorated Officer in all of Canada. I remember it like the taste of my mother's breast milk. It was Christmas 1975 and I was adorned with tinsel, ornaments, and colorful lights. My friend Bruce Dickstein and I had imbibed in [perhaps] a bit ~too much Kahlua, and he completely adorned me with lights and the biggest load of... but, I doo digress….

I once helped in the aftermath of a devastating flood. As a freshman and new Cadet, I flooded the bath room when I let loose with a voluminous load of my mother's fruitcake which had been stuck inside my lower bowel for over a week (with all that entrails). I sprang into action with mop and bucket and quickly cleaned up the soiled and flooded area, in spite of a previous injury, a limp wrist!

I was even wounded in my time of service, yes that’s right ~wounded. One of the boys in the General's steno pool threw a pencil -- and it hit me right in the eye! Ouch! That smarts! He later awarded me ~HIS purple hardon. In return he received the highly coveted ‘MUD HELMUT’ For those of you who don’t know, The ‘MUD HELMUT’ is one of the highest honors that can be bestowed upon an RCM officer.

And, let’s not forget that I directed the RCM's annual Christmas production of the Nutcracker Suite, 3 years in a row, to rave reviews I might add! I played the Nutcraker, of course. Not only did I star in the Nutcracker, but I also got to suck a few rather hairy nuts back stage.

I think I've proved my point. I am a real Soldier, just like Mark Morgan, and I don’t care what anyone else says!

Sincerely

Your Queer Hero

Where have I been?

I do apologize for the lag in my posting, but I have been quite busy lately, and consequentially, have been far too occupied with numerous other tasks to keep up with the blog. You see, I have recently acquired a job, and while I do admit that there aren't many jobs out there for degenerate alcoholics like myself, I do believe I have found the perfect occupation. A close friend of mine recently introduced me to the exciting world of cart pushing. Yes, thats right, I am now a bona fide cart pusher! I even get to don a ball cap and a reflective yellow vest, quite dapper attire if I do say so my self! Best of all, no one cares if I drink on the job! I'm falling down drunk most of the day and still manage to complete my extremely complex cart pushing duties...This is a career I am sure to succeed at. You see, I had a FAILED MILITARY career, a FAILED REAL ESTATE career, I even graduated from LAW SCHOOL and FAILED TO BE ACCEPTED BY THE VICTORIA BARR ASSOCIATION! But alas, it's my time to shine!

Finally, I have found my calling, and to all of those who said I was doomed to fail I say; FUCK OFF, FUCKTARDS, you know who you are! look out minimum wage here I come!

Todd, thanks for the career advice, I hope to see you at the annual cart pushers Cotillion. I have already picked out a pink gown and can't wait to wear it!

Sincerely, your queer cart pushing hero

Karol.

I am such a FRAUDulent Queen

A doctored [by me] recording in my failed attempt to frame N1FM.

I was hoping that this would affect [cancel] his amateur license, but, unfortunately, no one would take my recording seriously. Simply put, Once again, I failed.

N1FM Recording

Happy Easter

First and foremost, please allow me to apologize for the lag in my blog. My computer was badly ~damaged during my latest bender. It seems that while I was in a highly intoxicated, extremely altered, and quite nebulous state of mind that I urinated all over my tower causing [extensive] damage to my cpu, hard drive, and video card.

I attempted to take my ~computer back to the store where I purchased it for [warranty] service, but the UNSCRUPULOUS-DISINGENUOUS-NEOPHYTE manager told me that the warranty didn't cover damage due to drunken stupors. Bravo [renta-center] fucktards!

So, here I am in Toronto ~visiting my NAZI-WHORE of a mother for Easter [I only hope mommy can refrain from giving free-bees to the local sailors while I am here] Mommy gave me an Easter-basket containing a six-pack of Piels [my favorite beer] that I can't wait to consume for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Well, I must go now. Mom is taking her teeth out, and I am preparing to give her some good-old-fashioned POLISH SAUSAGE. Hi, Hi [amateur short hand for laughing]

Happy Easter

Your intoxicated-queer-hero

Karol.

Btw, Mark, quit FRAUDulently reporting that I am in the USA! I am not allowed there and even if I were I wouldn't want to visit. So, Mark, to you I say; FUCK-OFF you fucking FUCKTARD.

Where is Todd

I am getting worried about my good friend Todd, I haven't heard from him in weeks! Rumour has it that his parents locked him in the basement for molesting the family cat. The other rumour being circulated is that Todd was killed during a 3-some with Mark and Gavi, as the story goes Todd was suffocated while Gavi sat on his face, but I suspect that it was the putrid stink emanating from Gavi's filthy snatch that killed Todd, not the lack of oxygen.

I have grown lonely as of late, it seems that all of my friends have vanished from 20 meters, my tube with handles is history and therefore no one can hear me over Mikey's superior signal. My Radio days are coming to a close. I even had to stop having sexual relations with Mark, it seems that several men's dick's have turned black and fallen off after having sex with Mark.

Woe is me, I have become a very lonely old queen.

Sincerely your lonely intoxicated queer hero
Karol